Consuming fire, love that expands my
heart to lengths I never thought possible,
Can we talk again? And when words are
useless, inadequate and incomplete, can we talk in silence? And when silence is too loud, can we talk
again with laughter? Can we hold hands
and touch each other’s cheeks? And when
touch is too much, can we part ways –you leaving with my heart and I’ll take
yours? And when distance is too much,
can we call the world to bring our hearts together? And when the pulse of our hearts is too loud,
can we let the world to hold us until there’s no more me, you, they but only
one breath, one body…
I am directionally challenged.
If you tell me to go East or West, I’ll give you the puzzled look that
says, “plain English please.” Left or
right I can do. Cardinal points not so
much. I can also doubt my choice for one
direction vs. another. But my experience
has been that there is no right or wrong turn when it comes to following God’s
call. The crucial element is thriving to
be authentic. In St Louis I have
encountered numerous people whose main goal is to live authentic lives. The place that I first considered a temporary
stop has become a home of communities, and I am so grateful for God’s
invitation to take this step.
When I moved to St. Louis, I was already tired of building
relationships in new places only to have to say goodbye a few months
later. And let’s face it: Who has the
energy, not to mention the time, to maintain ALL relationships, especially when
you need to be present to a new community –and when you need to pay close attention
to everything you’re experiencing? As
much as we stay in touch with family members and friends, the transformation of
relationships is inevitable. With each
letting go of what we once knew and experienced, we walk into the unknown
hoping that that which we will find is so much more than that which we have
left behind. We are always mourning and
rejoicing. Mourning a past that had its
own dreams in its own future and rejoicing in the new dreams and hopes of a
future we yet have to see. Deep down we
know that what we follow is beyond anything we have imagined. Guides along the way welcome us not with
signs for directions but with so much more: with their witness to a life they live
through daily commitment.
The communities I have met at Aquinas Institute, at the Dominican
Priory, at the Inter-community novitiate, at my ministry, and in the city that
welcomed us with kind, warm people have all enriched my discernment. However, I couldn’t have come to appreciate
them had I not had the support of my CDN community. Through our tears of sorrow and joy, through
our serious and playful times, through our daily living, I have become more of
me -- I have embraced my own unfolding identity with reverence and joy. I have celebrated with them my Romanian
heritage, my struggles as an immigrant, and my voice is more authentic because
of their listening hearts. If this blog
entry reads more like a love letter, then know you’re not mistaken. It is a love letter for the God who called us
to discern religious life and for the people who have allowed me to be me.
In August Alexa, Jenn, Joye, Megan, and Renee were the names of my new
community members. Today they are so
much more. They are my sisters. They are the women who take the time to give
me driving directions in my own language (with left and right not E or W). They are the women who hum for me so I can
lead chanting because I cannot read music –and they encourage me all
along. They are the women who fast with
me and offer me support with their prayers.
They are the women who invite me to consider my shadow side when I’d
rather ignore it for a while. They are
the women who remind me that when the time comes, I am the only one who can
push for new birth and they will be right there by my side with their cheering
pompons (metaphorically speaking). They
are the women I would CHOOSE for community but instead God chose them for me
this year, and all I can say is, “Thank you, God.”
If I were to summarize what my experience has been, then this is how I
would describe this fall semester: I have learned that despite all risks, being
vulnerable is the only way I can live my call as a follower of Jesus
Christ. I have learned that people
surprise you when you open the eyes of your heart. I have learned that as much as I dislike
surprises, I also love them. I have
learned that when we surrender to God, we become a paradox ourselves. I have learned that our models of living
religious life come not only from those who witness to an authentic life, but
also from those who do not. I have
learned that I bring my own prejudices to every encounter only to discover how
limited my love is. I have learned that
everyone does the same...
~ Adela Langa, Adrian Dominican Sisters